HOW TO DEAL WITH A TSUNDERE GONG
Chapter 29 – Definition of Love
Xu Bai Chuan questioned, “Is there any difference between you and your mother?”
Tang Jin urged, “I never wanted to hurt you…”
Raising a hand to stop Tang Jin from speaking, Xu Bai Chuan said, “That’s not the problem. Regardless of whether it was you or your mother, what’s done has been done. But have you ever thought of apologizing to me?”
Tang Jin was stumped for words.
“In your eyes, your parents’ eyes, your friends’ eyes, what am I? A piece of clothing? Wearing it and throwing it away as you please. Or a dog, you’ll call me over when you’re in a good mood and expect me to know my place by wagging my tail to beg for mercy? On your bad days when you’re annoyed, I must dejectedly wedge my tail between my legs and piss off?” Xu Bai Chuan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Forget it, I shouldn’t be saying this to you. I’m very thankful to you for settling this matter. Before I…really did think it was you. I misunderstood you, sorry.”
Apologizing had long been a walk in the park. He was able to find fault in every incident he was involved in and apologize since he hoped to reciprocate others and for others to also claim their part. Though reality was different because when he admits to his part, others want him to take responsibility for everything.
Everyone wants to be spotless and flawless, then will curse that the world is full of crows.
Tang Jin slightly increased his grip on Xu Bai Chuan. He intuited that this conflict between them was different from the past; Xu Bai Chuan was too calm. Calmness meant level-headedness, level-headedness meant careful deliberation, and careful deliberation meant that it’ll be difficult to redeem the situation. It’s likely that he’ll never get Xu Bai Chuan back if he let him go this time. Just that thought made him terrified beyond belief. He immediately said, “I’m the one who should apologize. Sorry, don’t be angry. Since it’s cold outside, don’t go, I’ll send you wherever you want to go tomorrow…”
Xu Bai Chuan: “No need.”
As he walked over to the bed to retrieve his clothes, Tang Jin suddenly hugged him from behind. The tone of that man who never spoke gentle words was aggrieved as he coaxed, “You didn’t come to see me at the hospital two days ago. You left for three months, didn’t give me a single phone call, and even said that you want to break up with me. I won’t be angry about any of this so don’t be angry as well, okay?”
Xu Bai Chuan’s actions froze. Then he asked, “You think that we were together?”
The hands holding onto him abruptly tightened and the two were deadlocked like this for a while. Looking on from the back, Xu Bai Chuan’s ear hidden in his black hair exposes a small section of his delicate white auricle. Every time that Tang Jin hugged him from the back, he always liked kissing there. During those moments, Xu Bai Chuan will beg for mercy while evading him. Those intimate memories became illusory and indistinct because of Xu Bai Chuan’s one question. Slowly opening his eyes wide, Tang Jin turned him around, his expression full of doubt and astonishment. “We weren’t?”
“Is that right?” Xu Bai Chuan lightly asked a question in turn. Then he said, “When were we ever together? Did you say so, or did I?”
Tang Jin’s eyes looked like they were gazing at a lunatic. Otherwise, how could he possibly say such unfathomable words?
Xu Bai Chuan suppressed his emotions, but after pressing them down again and again, he couldn’t endure it any longer. In the end, he burst in front of Tang Jin’s current state. “Have you ever asked for what I wanted these past seven years? Have you ever said you liked me? Have you ever stopped your parents and friends from belittling or humiliating me?”
“If this is considered being together, then you have many lovers. Your driver, assistant, secretary… At least 800 hundred of them.”
“You say that I’m angry, but I’m not. I’m but one among your many lovers. What right do I have to be angry?”
He originally wanted to say one sentence, not in the least expecting for it to be impossible to stop once he started. One sentence followed another as he lost control. No longer wanting to appear so wretched in front of Tang Jin, Xu Bai Chuan simply abandoned his jacket and walked past him to leave.
Just like the fastest tennis ball machine, Xu Bai Chuan’s stream of questions smashed at his heart one by one, producing a deafening ‘dong’ sound. Tang Jin never thought that the things he had taken for granted in the past would become an obstacle between Xu Bai Chuan and him. Subconsciously barring Xu Bai Chuan from leaving due to his fright, when he looked over once more, he realized that the rim of the other’s eyes was somewhat red. The last time he saw him cry was seven years ago— When he rescued him from the basement, Tang Jin saw that Xu Bai Chuan’s palms were mangled from gripping onto the iron blade as tears unconsciously flowed down his face.
Throughout these many years, he had never seen Xu Bai Chuan in such a frail state again. A possibility made an onslaught of chills rack his body: In the past, Xu Bai Chuan yelled at him and fought with him. During those times, Xu Bai Chuan had a plentiful of emotions to burn for him. Yet now, that candle has almost been burnt to the base.
Tang Jin had never felt this helpless before and his tall stature slightly trembled. Embracing Xu Bai Chuan, his voice was strained. “I like you. Didn’t you know? If I didn’t like you, why would I be with you for seven years? Why would I come to find you?”
This is the first time that Xu Bai Chuan heard Tang Jin say that he likes him and his heart still felt moved. But he was past the age when he can live by his heart alone. Tang Jin is willing to yield to him now and may marry someday, or perhaps not, but the last person standing certainly won’t be him.
Wanting to hug Tang Jin, his arm extended then withdrew and pushed Tang Jin away. He earnestly said, “I didn’t know. You never said so, I never knew. Also, the one you like isn’t me, it’s Song Yi Yu. You came to find me not because of love, but habit. We aren’t suited for each other anyway. Everything has been delayed for seven years already, don’t delay it any longer.”
There was no violent language, only ordinary assertions, yet those words pressed down on Tang Jin, making it hard for him to breathe. He suddenly raged like a trapped beast, “Don’t tell me who it is that I like! And you don’t have the final say about whether we are suited for each other!”
Xu Bai Chuan remained unmoved. Tang Jin became even more panicked, the sense of loss caused an icy coldness to invade him, so much so that several goosebumps surfaced. With something choking on his throat, he could only gently and cautiously touch Xu Bai Chuan’s wrist, then grip on to it. His soft voice said, “The one I like is you. Only you. Believe me, return to B city with me, please?”
Since Tang Jin was short of breath and his grip was loose, just the slightest movement can break free from his hold. Just like the relationship between the two of them, if Xu Bai Chuan didn’t hold onto it, it would quickly fall apart.
It was better to just get the pain over with, rather than prolong the agony. Xu Bai Chuan said, “No. Even if you like me, I don’t want to like you anymore.”
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3 thoughts on “HTDWT – Chapter 29”
Ah, he finally said it.
But why do I feel suffocated?
LikeLiked by 5 people
(fake) Gasp, the dramaaaaa
I like the way it’s going but it makes me wonder..
Everything was finally addressed and they’re still not getting back together. Wonder what the turning point will be.
LikeLiked by 3 people
“You don’t appreciate what you have until you lose it”
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